This weekend we saw Sepp Blatter clutch the Emancipation Proclamation to his breast as he impassionately spoke about the need to free slaves. He dispatched Ramon Calderon who swept through Manchester and set the slaves in United free.
Chief amongst them was Cristiano Ronaldo who living on a paltry £120,000 a week had suffered the horrors of once passing through council houses. Ronaldo would have kissed the earth but he was wearing an ankle cast having been beaten severly by his slave master, Sir Alex Ferguson with a sealed contract.
The nightmare for Ronaldo began when he approached Sir Alex with “Please Sir, can I have some more?” As Sir Alex looked at him disbelievingly, Ronaldo fell to the ground, writhing and moaning, pawing his gonads. A man wearing shorts and a whistle ran out of nowhere and showed Ronaldo a yellow card as a faint smell of porridge wafted through the air.
Sepp Blatter, a portly but kindly man had seen enough. Holy Schnitzles! There is too much inequity in the world. That is why he had filched every vote through bribes and scams. Slaves finish last. It was time for not just Ronaldo but Adebayor, Hleb, and Lampard, good men all to get their 40 yachts and a country. But this would never happen under their present slave masters. If pigs could fly, David Coverdale would be Ian Gillan or Snoop Doggy Dogg.
We have to feel for these schlubs. Hleb lives a miserable life quarantined in Hempstead’s claustrophobic silence and stomach turning leafy foliage. Look up chaos. It’s west of Vietnam. Lampard’s visit to Abramovich’s yacht unhappily remindshim of life in Darfur. Ronaldo’s slave wages only allows for a £835,000 Bugatti Veyron but because of his grinding poverty he never will get to see an asteroid. That is left to Sergei Brin who can afford to spend £3m on a space flight. Brin is the co-founder of Google which many slaves use to find the address of Ramon Calderon. Surreptitiously.
But here is Sepp Blatter aka Abe Lincoln clear as a bell “I think there’s too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there. If a player wants to leave, let him leave.” Immortalized, July 10th, 2008. Wunderbar.