Recently in Soccer Humor Category

There was some fond hope that the man handcuffed to the goalpost was making a grandiose statement about the unholy sums of money destroying football (read City). Or maybe he had tried handcuffing himself to a badger the previous evening with unsatisfying results and wanted something different.

It turned out he was protesting Ryanair unfairly terminating his daughter in 2010. John Foley is his name and he had staged other such protests around this issue, just not as bizarre as this.

Anyway, it made for good theatre, but it got Roberto Mancini in a tizzy and he made a sending off gesture which got Wayne Rooney all mad. He later twittered about Mancini being against working class men. The last part is all rubbish. But it could be true.

Arsenal have signed this guy to partner RVP. Alive and kicking?

If you are an Arsenal fan, your level of excitement should be deader than a dodo.

Wayne Bridge goes to Sunderland and Arsenal can heave a sigh of relief. Ravel Morrison, the Man Utd teenager with a self destructive streak but the skills of a young Paul Scholes, goes to West Ham.

Louis Saha is set to join Spurs as per the buzz if he can get out of bed. Peter Odemwingie, out of favour at West Brom maybe on his way to Fulham to replace Bobby Zamora who is being courted by QPR. Zamora is demanding £90,000 per week which will only happen if they're are bought out by City and PSG together or Mitt Romney, who will want to cement QPR's evangelical vote in time for today's Florida primary.

The chicken farmers at Blackburn are copying Wenger's moves on transfer deadline for those bargain basement deals and have signed Bradley Orr and Marcus Olsson, who they hope will bring them the Champions League.

Andy Carroll, skulking in the basement of his mother's house, has been told he's not wanted at Liverpool but he's also not wanted at City, who are developing a Stockholm Syndrome vis a vis Carlos Tevez. They are set to unveil him as their new signing after consulting with Wenger who reassures Mancini, a player out through injuries or suspension for four or more matches, counts as a new signing. However, they might have to fight Inter who have a sprung a big leak after being dinged badly by Lecce. No, sorry it is the other city club as per Sky Sports who are re-opening talks with City over Tevez.

Hot prospect Wilfried Zaha might not be leaving for Bolton. He obviously does not relish playing for another Championship side. Ryo Miyaichi, the Arsenal teenager will however be joining the Reebok. If he does not break a nose or suffer a facial fracture which is the current craze amongst these Arsenal loaners. Anzhi Makachkala is reportedly in hot pursuit of Andrey Arshavin which should be easy enough. He gets the ball, dashes down the sideline, cuts in to goal, loses ball and interest .... repeat.

For more Jelavic, De Bruyne, and a day that should lighten some purses and add to others, the Guardian has the skinny. They also are having lots of fun dinging Sky Sports.

Lowly Lecce knock of Inter leaving it reeling. Here is the reaction to their loss. Great commedia dell'arte! No milk of human kindness from Massimiliano Benassi who was immense in goal for Lecce. Here is a clip of the match >>

Carlos Tevez's potential transfer to PSG has been compromised with the two parties not seeing eye to eye on the way forward in his footballing career rather than any financial reasons. Tevez's demands as per his agent, Kia Joorabchian, included:

1) Limiting Carlo Ancelotti on the number of training sessions he has per day and making conditional his participation in them.
2) Returning to Argentina to be with his kids even if its on the day PSG play the Champions League final for the first time in club history.
3) Reserving the right to refuse to enter the pitch if he believes Ancelotti should have started him.
4) After every goal, celebrating with a 5 minute dance where he would hug, kiss, and make out his shin guard called Flopy.
5) PSG erecting a statue in honour of his arrival at the Parc des Princes. Tevez said he was already a living legend and if Thierry Henry could have one, why not him?

The two clubs left making overtures are Milan and Inter, and it is believed that Tevez's demands there include the two clubs conduct their business in Lunfardo and a live feed of every Boca Juniors match so he's not culturally isolated.

szólj hozzá: Wigan 0-1 Manchester City

Edin Dzeko sighting once again. This time he flew high over the Wigan defense to head the ball home of a David Silva free kick. The 1-0 win established a three point lead over Utd at the top of the table.

Roberto Mancini reignited his feud with Wayne Rooney as he brandished an imaginary red card against Maynor Figueroa for a handball. These two should settle this by challenging each other to a red card waving duel and see whose arm falls off first. Or both can do a synchronized version.

Wigan are now right at the bottom. Bolton, QPR, and Blackburn are keeping them company.

The former Arsenal defender now commentating for ESPN gets smacked by a ball kicked during the Leeds warm up before the FA Cup third round match against Arsenal. Robbie Savage reacted as if it was meant for him. Kudos to Keown for making a fast recovery. One of the toughest defenders in club history.

Here is a link to a Sky Sports reporter getting beaned at the back of the head. Ouch! Part of the dangers of sideline football reporting.

An image used by Gold Flake cigarettes warning of the dangers of smoking bears the likeness of John Terry. The Chelsea captain is not amused and is planning legal action. There is no suggestion that Terry has a pack a day smoking habit other than that he appears winded in some of the recent games. The alternate explanation is smoking Gold Flake cigarettes makes you attractive to your best friend's girlfriend and hence leads to much wanted extra-curricular activities with her. Which in turn generates much angst, a rejected handshake, and endless negative tabloid coverage. And that is a powerful antidote to craving a smoke. Or something like that.

David Beckham's MLS fans will be delighted by the news that he will not leave for PSG. They have many more years to look forward to new tattoos being added to his various body parts and then orifices. Oh! yes, and a few sublime deliveries. Forgot about that.

Taken from Talksport

Eren Derdiyok who is Alexander Frei's heir apparent in the Swiss national team shows off some awesome skill with this improvised bicycle kick. In a showdown between the two corporation owned teams, Bayer Leverkusen under Robin Dutta beat VfL Wolfsburg, 3-1. Immediately after, the Wolfsburg team took loads of aspirin to dull the pain.

Carlos Tevez's new home

The dust has barely settled but Carlos Tevez is already getting offers. This one from Limavady United in the second division of the Northern Ireland league.

The raison d'etre for this one goes something like this, " We are sure you will appreciate our efforts to keep Tevez from getting fat prior to his sale. But please keep paying him his £250,000 per week wages so that he doesn't get too bored listening to Danny Boy."

A cheeky reference to being cup tied in the Champions League in the letter written by David Brewster, the vice chairman of Limavady United shows a delectable understanding of City's dilemma of just how difficult it would be to ship Tevez out to the handful of big clubs who could afford him.

Juventus inaugurated their new stadium with a visual smorgasbord. In one of the classiest gestures in living memory, they invited Notts County who gifted the Old Lady their signature black and white pinstripes in 1903 after responding to a sartorial emergency which would have doomed the Turin club to wearing pink and being confused for Palermo. Richard Williams has more.

The first goal was scored by Luca Toni after a penalty kick saved by Robert Burch rebounded back into line of play. Notts to their everlasting credit did not roll over with Lee Hughes scoring the equalizer.

Remember FC Stjarnan, the Icelandic club that came up with the innovative goal celebrations that went viral last year.

Now, it is Hangö IK, a Finnish third division club, part of the Kolmonen that is going places with their after parties. They involve costume changes and burlesque. Here are Bruno Gomes, Alysson Soares and Marcelo Matrone, the three Brazilians at HIK bringing their flair to Shakira's Waka Waka with a Gerard Pique cameo. But can they drink Salmiakki and watch Leningrad Cowboys without flinching?

According to The Sun, the Sleazy One could be facing up to a 15 match ban for his organ trafficking ways. The Spanish Federation woke up to the world chortling at their lack of spine. At the very least a 4 match ban is contemplated.

Have fun with this interactive graph from the Wall Street Journal that allows you to click and drag the victims of the NOTW phone hacking in line with the chain of villains who actually carried out these black ops. All unintentional of course but worthy of a snicker or two.

You can do this with Ryan Giggs, Paul Gascoigne, Jude Law, and liberal firebrand George Galloway, all of them hacking victims amongst many. Courtesy Jim Edwards who alerts us to the WSJ cherry picking when it leaves out a number of principal actors and marginalizes James Murdoch from the fray.

The WSJ is the flagship of Rupert Murdoch's media empire and here they deliberately blur the fine line between objective reporting and editorial ideology to reconnoiter these turbulent times.

What is wrong with people? The best British midfielder in decades and one who has been front and center in all of Man Utd's success since 1990 finally breaks the top ten in shirt sales for the first time in 613 appearances. All because he had an affair with Imogen Thomas which he stupidly tried to cover up. Really.

Mano Menezes has lots to think about including his future as national coach

Argentina found themselves as a team facing Costa Rica after desultory draws against Bolivia and Colombia. A must win situation against a team with a huge incentive to force a draw.

Brazil also followed suit with draws against Venezuela and Paraguay. They face their weakest opposition in Ecuador far from the high altitude comfort of Quito. Uruguay similarly face an already eliminated Mexican team composed of mostly second stringers. The last round has been fortuitously lined with weaker opposition with few stakes to play for other than pride.

Mano Menezes has already conceded that the Brazilians did not show the requisite patience against Paraguay. But more damagingly, many players played out of position and forced into a number of individual errors. In particular, Dani Alves was found wanting in stopping Marcelo Estigarribia from his Gareth Bale impersonation. Their insipid performance has renewed calls for Ronaldinho and Kaka.

These are the growing pains of a team putting its faith in a new generation that includes Paulo Henrique Ganso and Neymar alongside veterans like Alves, Elano, and Lucio. There is a degree of unfamiliarity evidenced in the different tempo and the missed connections. The learning curve will have to be extremely brief but like Argentina against Costa Rica, the Selecao might finally gel to get past Ecuador in style. If that happens then Menezes has the template of a squad that will do battle for the 2014 World Cup.

Deigo Forlan in an ad for a Spanish phone company.

An Ecuador fan sandwiched between about a million Argentina supporters still manages to find a way to cheer for his team.

Yuki Nagasato coolly lifts the ball over New Zealand goalie Jenny Bindon after her ill advised charge strands her out of position. Six minutes later a perfectly weighted cross by Ria Percival finds Amber Hearn in the correct spot and the in form striker heads home for the perfect finish. Shades of Shane Smeltz's heroics against Italy in the men's World Cup?

Japan come back however as the delightful Aya Miyama continues the Japanese tradition of creative free kick takers with a gem of a goal. Shunsuke Nakamura and Yasuhito Endo come to mind in the men's game.

With this win Japan are in pole position to win group B and avoid Germany. They meet Mexico next.

"You can't have my goolies, Zamparini, you hear me"

Can Arsenal have a straight transfer story for once? Football's groundhog day is surely the inevitable summer ritual of Cesc Fabregas's "will he won't he this time around." Now, we have the story of Velez Sarsfield winger Ricardo Alvarez suiting up in Arsenal kit.

None of this is on the Arsenal website and the only authority is Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini, a notorious gasbag on an Italian talk show saying they had lost Alvarez to Arsenal because they had not moved fast enough.

"Unfortunately, we didn't complete the move in time, so we lost him to Arsenal. At this moment he has already signed for the Gunners."

Zamparini likes nothing better than to top off his salad with the testicles of his own players (they're called scroutons and are available at the Palermo football store) which explains why Alvarez was never keen on joining that club. Jokes aside, the more likely explanation is he was running off his mouth as usual.

Arsenal reportedly have been interested in Alvarez for about three years which is unsurprising. They've been interested in lots of players for many years but there is a difference between that lukewarm emotion and a real drive to get him to the Emirates.

This however bears repetition. At this stage, the Samir Nasri wage negotiations and the Fabregas transfer saga consume most of the space. Wenger's first instincts are not to lose them but if he does, especially Fabregas then ensure maximum value for their transfers. Nasri is on his last year and Arsenal risks recouping any money if he walks out on a Bosman. There is also a remodeling of Arsenal's midfield in the works with a Fabregas departure necessitating Nasri's realization of a more central role. This unsettled look is unique amongst the top Premiership clubs and only Spurs have a similar problem in Luka Modric.

A major reason Arsenal never seems to have a transfer budget is because of its prospective self financing model - it raises money for future purchases by selling squad players. Arsenal have not even begun that process in real earnest. Nicklas Bendtner, Gael Clichy, Denilson, Tomas Rosicky, Sebastian Squillaci, Manuel Almunia, and Andrey Arshavin have all been mentioned at various stages. At this stage any player costing over £10 million (relatively a large sum of money for Arsenal) is going to be a tough purchase. We might see a few later in the transfer window after piecing together some of the above jigsaw.

André Villas-Boas is the stealthy one.

His snow job on the media took him off the short list of candidates which then concentrated on Guus Hiddink's reported arrival. Everyone believed Villas-Boas would stay on in Porto for at least another season. There were articles devoted to why he would do so as Boas dampened expectations citing astronomical release amounts.

If this is any indication off his hoodwinking abilities they will be very much appreciated on the sidelines. Meanwhile, Chelsea was negotiating for his release on the sly. Ron Gourlay in a press conference last week said they would announce the new coach soon but did not give any details. It was assumed that the Turkish Football Federation was about to surrender Hiddink after seeing the light and the cash.

Porto's release clause is worth €15m which Chelsea have agreed to pay and there is a chance that Porto may enrich themselves an additional €30m with Falcao's transfer to Stamford Bridge. Boas also stands to earn Jose Mourinho like wages with a salary of €5m per year. In addition, Chelsea might also land Hiddink now more likely in the capacity of technical director.

Yet again, Roman Abramovich knows no bounds. Financial fair play rules? Stick a fork in them on the double.